i spoke to a friend today who gave me the courage I needed to make this post.
It will be full of mistakes and gramatical errors because if I reread it or proof it I'll end up editing what I have to say or deleting the entire post.
ITALY- I'm not going to go on and on about the people, the beauty, the food, the language, the coffee, the art, etc ... I love it all. I also have a list of things that are really screwed up but I won't go there either.
What Italy has given me is space. I could of gone anywhere; France, Germany, Africa, North Dakota ... the Bronx. I've wanted to travel since I can remember and my mom reminds me often of my adventurous spirit. She tells me how she knew if any one of her million kids (there's really only 4 of us) were going to travel it would be me. She told me I was climbing out of my crib at 9 months. I needed out! More than just wanting to see the world - I just... needed... space.
It wasn't about the divorce. It wasn't about a quarter life crisis. It wasn't about trying to live under the Tuscan sun or eating, praying while loving. It was about space and time. It still is. I have more to figure out. Doing that in Italy is just a perk.
I've learned just because you're a million miles ( 10,225) away from where you started your heart and mind didn't go anywhere. They're right there, right where you started. A part of me felt I would be safer here. I thought I would be less likely to make self destructive mistakes, I thought I'd fix everything that's wrong with me, I thought maybe I could get far enough away from my fears.
It's been almost a year since I've arrived here and I'm happy to report I am safer, healthier, and more alive. But those fears, flaws and mistakes ... they're still here. The difference is, I've learned to take responsibility for them. Sounds simple enough but my god, it's difficult to realize you're not a victim but the outcome of every decision you make.
thats all for now
gina
xx
15 comments:
Gina, i know we've just met but thank you for this post, for raw emotion.
i just emailed my best friend an email of similar realizations. hard to face personal truths. (thank God for these kind of friends...)
i was scared to say them "out loud."
seeing your post? it meant a lot to me.. a perfect stranger to you. so thank-you for having the courage to post because it made me feel less alone.
and for that, i can not thank you enough.
gina,
i only recently discovered your blog through mccabe's blog ... and every day i am so mesmerized by the beauty you find through your camera lens ... or maybe i should say the beauty that you find in everyday life and are able to capture so perceptively through the camera lens. i adore your photography. (just tonight, actually, when viewing your previous post of photographs, i was thinking to myself, 'this girl is amazing. she has a real gift that means something. i'm so thankful i found her blog.')
i say all that as a preface to my real comment because i've been getting to know you only through your fabulous photography the past couple weeks. i had no idea (yet) who you were as a person because i hadn't yet read any of your words. these words here ... well, they speak volumes about who you are. VOLUMES.
i am inspired by you. by the way you see, like i said above, but now by the way you think and what you feel and how you take steps to honor who you are and what you need. and also, i now see, by your honesty. you are so honest with yourself, and you are so honest with us.
thank you for putting this out there, for trusting the community of people who visit your blog to hold what you have shared about this discovery you're making along the journey.
xoxo,
christianne
in solidarity.
love you girl! i've really enjoyed following your blog. your photos are truly amazing! i've missed you here in the USA. ive moved back to seattle, so whenever you decided to come back please, oh please come and visit!!
Emily
I can totally relate. Bravo to you for posting this out there. I've thought about it, but been too scared to open up to the world (or my family and friends!) so far. Good for you! I'm so glad I've taken this opportunity to live in another part of the world. I'm glad you have too and that you are happier and healthier!
It sounds like you and I have come to some similar conclusions about ourselves. Thank you for giving voice to them.
And it's true... wherever you go (or, in my case, run away to), your heartaches and troubles follow. I'm still looking for my place where I feel safer, but I think I need to let things catch up with me and just meet them head on.
<3
Micaela ::
Yeah, I'm so incredibly grateful for the friends who help me open up and just be.
It's not like me to be so "raw" so even though I'm still cringing a bit about writing this. I'm glad I did.
If we all walk away from another feeling less alone and more connected ... perfect!
Christianne ::
Isn't Mccabe great? =D
Thanks for your compliments on my work. The beauty here IS mesmerizing.
Saying thank you feels so blah. I get even more inspired to shoot everyday when I'm reminding by beautiful words like yours that it's making someone's day a little prettier.
I hope to open up a bit more ... more often.
Liz Song ::
always!!
Emily ::
Aw emily, I miss you ... we need to catch up and visiting Seattle will probably happen late next year
Carolyn ::
I'm still scared. haha but these comments of solidarity are putting me at ease =)
Christina ::
After reading your blog for the past week or so ... our sense of humor is pretty much the same. You crack me up. It's a nice light blog I would say with pretty things for me to look at.
we're all scared, aren't we?
Sarah ::
<3
your words are equally
as powerful as your photos.
WOW.
you move me.
i adore YOU!
xoxoxo
...I'm speechless to say the least! You have just announced your evolution and maturity to the WORLD! I couldn't be more proud of you! There are those that go through their entire lives and don't get it! I must tell you that you have just validated every tear I've shed for you since you've been gone, calmed every fear I had and more importantly, answered every prayer. You are my precious daughter and I want you to remember that distance is a matter of the mind. For I hold you close to me everyday, smother you with kisses in my mind and breath in your scent, see thru your eyes when I view your work and thank GOD He bestowed upon me the privilege and honor of being your Mom. My baby, M, (you know what that stands for), I do love you so!...and now I know you'll be alright, whether I'm here or not, I know you've reached the truth and are not afraid to speak it! There is nothing to fear but fear itself and you just "kicked it's ass". Now that you truly grasp the meaning of responsibily and accountability, live your life in a manner that will make you proud of you! Go on now my sweet and precious little one....be free and fly! I'm here, I'm watching, and I can hardly wait for your return to me, as I need so much to touch you!
what an eye opener, gina. I needed that...oxox
the Bronx is lovely this time of year.
I just found your blog through Micaela. Your words touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I'm glad that you are getting stronger and I wish you the best in your discovery of self.
carrie-travels.blogspot.com
gina - thank you for visiting my blog and your kind comments.
this post speaks to me in so many ways... it's as if you were in my head. I too am all of these things and i too love to travel and if I were able to do what you have done... i would have! Years ago... but thank you for the reminder... that even though you may gain alot by being "free" and following your dreams, your heart doesn't change because you have a change of scenery. i often times think that is all i need to "fix" what is not right...
ps i have now spent an hour reading your archives.
Hi Gina!
I just stumbled upon your blog today and I'm so glad that I did. You take fantastic photos and I thank you for giving me a little glimpse of my favorite city. I've been to Rome 4 times in the past 2.5 years, and I really cannot wait to get back! *sigh*
This post is so honest and inspirational and I can completely relate to everything that you wrote. I am in the same boat right now where all I can think about is escaping in attempts to fix the things that are so wrong in my life. I hope that one day I can gather up enough courage and make that much needed change! But in the meantime, I want to thank you for this post!! You are awesome! :)
J
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